The Sabre-toothed Tiger Effect: Why We Fear Feedback and How to Fix It

May 27 / Matt Robinson
If you are one of the 37 percent of managers who dreads 1-1 feedback them with every fibre of your being
you aren’t alone, and you can learn to enjoy it!

The Sabre-toothed Tiger Effect: Why We Fear Feedback and How to Fix It

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In my work with non-profit execs, one-to-one conversations seem to be the ultimate Marmite of the workplace. You either see them as a vital tool for growth, or you dread them with every fibre of your being.

If you fall into the latter camp, you aren’t alone. Gallup studies show that 37% of managers feel uncomfortable giving critical feedback to employees if they anticipate a negative reaction. Yet, there is a massive disconnect, because 83% of employees say they appreciate feedback, irrelevant of whether it is positive or negative. Your team are craving feedback, and you don’t want to give it.

So, why is there such a barrier to having these essential conversations? As a coaching-psychologist who relies heavily on understanding human behaviour, I tend to look to our biology for the answer. It turns out the fear of feedback isn't just a quirky personality trait; it's practically genetic.

The Three Brains: Our Evolutionary Wiring
To understand why feedback is so difficult, we can look at the evolutionary wiring of the human brain. Forgive my oversimplicity, but broadly our brains comprise three distinct layers built on top of eachother, like a Brainbow. Each of which evolved over time in human beings:

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  1. The Reptilian Brain (Regulatory): This is the oldest part of our brain, responsible for basic survival and automatic regulatory functions. It’s what keeps you breathing and your heart beating without you having to consciously think about it.
  2. The Limbic System (Emotional): This is where our emotions live. It acts as our internal radar, constantly scanning our environment to identify whether we are safe or in danger.
  3. The Cortex (Thinking): This is the rational, logical, and analytical part of our brain. Common in mammals but not other animals. In evolutionary terms it’s the newest part of our brain. It's the sophisticated thinking center that sets goals, solves problems, and knows that feedback is required to develop and grow in any role.

The Sabre-Toothed Tiger Effect: What Happens Under Threat
To understand how these three brains are wired to see feedback as a threat we need to go back a few hundred million years. In prehistoric times, a threat might have been as significant as a sabre-toothed tiger in the brush. When an unusual noise or an unknown shape was spotted in the undergrowth, a biological chain reaction occurred in a fraction of a second:

  1. The Alarm Sounds: The brain registers a the noise or movement as a threat.
  2. Survival Mode Engages: The Limbic System immediately signals the Reptilian Brain to trigger the body's ancient fight, flight, or freeze response.
  3. Logic Goes Offline: As survival instincts take over, the Limbic System effectively hijacks the Cortex to focus all energy on the reptilian brain.

So why are 1-1’s so threatening for people?
The threat of being eaten by a sabre-toothed tiger is considerably reduced, if you are part of a tribe that’s got your back. A loner would not have lasted long in prehistoric times, and so the importance of remaining part of a tribe became baked into our DNA. We are the successors of community minded survivors so we are programmed evolutionarily not to do anything that might break down the bond between us and out tribe, for fear of being cast out and eaten by a predator.
Roll on a few million years and we replace the concept of tribe with the notion of team. Our prehistoric programming has transferred to fear conflict in the team in the same way as we feared conflict in the tribe. Unfortunately, today, a perceived threat to your team status can be as simple as a manager saying, "Can I give you some feedback?" When those words are spoken, the same biological chain reaction occurs in a fraction of a second:

  1. The Alarm Sounds: The Limbic System doesn't know the difference between a lethal predator and a well-meaning manager. It simply registers a threat.
  2. Survival Mode Engages: The Limbic System immediately signals the Reptilian Brain to trigger the body's ancient fight, flight, or freeze response. We get defensive, or we just freeze in the meeting. 
  3. Logic Goes Offline: As survival instincts take over, the Limbic System hijacks the Cortex just like it would do in a life-or-death situation. Not very useful in a 1-1 exchange.
It gets worse, once that hijack occurs, the rational part of the brain shuts down. The threat of feedback literally prevents thinking until the perceived threat is over. Despite knowing that feedback is helpful, it’s biologically impossible to absorb anything your manager is saying or have a rational, forward-looking conversation until your brain feels safe again.
How to De-Risk Feedback
To have effective 1-on-1s, we must bypass that ancient threat response. We need to "de-risk" feedback by intentionally designing an environment where the limbic system can relax. We can do this by focusing on three key areas: making it safe, making it easy, and making it rewarding.
1. Make It Safe
If you are a manager you must make it safe for your team to tell you the hard stuff you need to hear. You go first and they will feel more relaxed about following your example
• Invite the feedback, don't wait for it: Be specific by asking, "I'd like feedback on X".
• Promise a good reaction: Head off their biggest fear by managing your own response.
• Thank them in advance: Show genuine appreciation for their honesty.
• Repetition is key: If you do this regularly, your brain's limbic system will learn that the process is safe, lowering the evolutionary defences over time.

2. Make It Easy
Remove the cognitive load from the conversation by providing structure and asking the right questions.
• Present simple options: Ask questions like, "How can I be a better teammate for you?" or "What do you wish I did more of, or less of?". Answering specific questions is much easier for the person giving feedback.
• Ask about emotions: Check in on how they are feeling about specific projects, or ask what kind of work gives them energy. Emotion taps into the limbic system which is still functioning event in a threat situation. It’s therefore much easier to answer “how do you feel” questions rather than” “what do you think” questions. Plus it helps calm the limbic system down over time, reducing perceived threat.
• Agree on a feedback contract: Establish mutual expectations for reciprocal feedback from the outset. If you both know it’s coming at every 1-1, it becomes less threatening and more business as usual for your limbic brain.

3. Make It Rewarding
Feedback is pointless if it disappears into a void. Reward encourages future feedback.
• Act on it: When someone gives you feedback, demonstrate that you’ve heard it by taking action.
• Improve the lives of your team: Use the insights gathered in your 1-on-1s to make tangible improvements to your teams working environment.
• Make it meaningful: Data shows that 80% of employees who have received meaningful feedback in the past week are fully engaged.

By understanding the psychology and neuroscience at play in our team dynamics, we can transform 1-on-1s from fear-inducing interrogations into powerful, forward-looking coaching conversations.

What are you going to do to apply this in your next 1-on-1?


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